Pink Fluffy Bunnies

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RUN!!!

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This may well be one of the darkest blog entries I'll ever write.

I sincerely hope it is.

I've been having nightmares lately. My sleep has been haunted for years, which you might find odd for someone...well like me. *wink*

It's really not though.* Nor am I here to air any personal demons I have...at least not in this post**. No, it's simply that I keep very busy during my waking hours and when I go to sleep...well there's often lots of things running through my mind. There's a number of tricks I use to deal with the insomnia the results from this (avoiding medication when possible!).

There's also things I could do to resolve nightmares. Lucid dreaming is probably the most effective way...but I choose not to. My opinion is that the ...well 'defrag'...that takes place during various cycles can be potentially disrupted by lucid dreaming. I also find it a way for my subconscious to communicate with me, even if that is often in very unpleasant ways. I certainly take notice, in any event.

The world is in a terrible state at the moment, perhaps you've noticed?

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WE ARE FUCKED

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I have several clients who were in Japan during the time of the quake, either on business or at a residence. Thankfully all are safe, as are their families. A college friend was missing...and she too is safe, though she's lost everything. No word yet on her family, or her parents.

I have several clients in various places in the middle east. One in Egypt. One who was in Bahrain (and still is, as far as I know). One in Saudi Arabia.

And one whom we shall call Aziz. I won't say where he is, and in truth at the moment I don't know. I do know he's not safe. I do know that he's hiding and believes he's facing arrest. I do know that this lovely human being whom I care about deeply, potentially faces torture in a dark cell somewhere if the wrong people were to find him.

This isn't some movie or book I'm reading, where I shed a tear or two for one of the characters and feel badly. This is real.

My nightmares have involved things like imagining him at a checkpoint, and something I've sent him shows up on a laptop...and they just shoot him against a wall for violation of Sharia law. Of course, this is horrifically egotistical, but it's a very real fear I have; that somehow ...in some terrible fashion something so wonderful I've shared with someone could lead to harm. I want it to be unfathomable, yet it's not.

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Your family will be billed the cost of the bullet though...

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I enjoy control, this should be obvious. I'm used to having power. So of course one of the worst feelings in the world for me is feeling powerless, feeling completely out of control. There's nothing I can do for Aziz and worse, there's a potential I could do harm.

I could avoid all of this you know. I could simply take the coward's way out and not work with anyone outside of the United States.

Think about what it means for THEM though. What it is to be a submissive male who adores women, living anywhere in the Middle East. I couldn't live in the most 'liberal' Middle Eastern country and do what I do. And we both know in many, I'd be murdered for simply being who I am. These men could simply leave. Every single one of them are people of means; they could come and live in the United States, or Canada, or the UK. In the case of one client, he already maintains a residence in one of those countries.

Why do they live where they live? They love their people essentially, and 'their people' often extends beyond borders because every single one of those men are also Muslims.

Just as most of my other clients are Christian. With a good sprinkling of Jews, Buddhists, etc.

You may be thinking they're not 'good' muslims if they're working with me. I'm an atheist so I really can't speak to this stuff. If we go by the letter of whatever...then sure. Most of my clients though are Christian, and if we go by the 'letter' there...well ...both groups have a LOT more to worry about in that event than anything we do around here *grin*. In reality though, it's just like most other religions; people follow the 'good' parts and largely ignore the rest.

In my experience though, muslims are a lot more fanatical. It's like this, being the most liberal muslim in the room, is like being the most tolerant klansman at the KKK rally. I'm sorry to use such a grotesque example, but it's really apropos. Again personal opinion here, I think its entirely to do with early exposure to this religion. They were immersed in it, and so as thinking, reasoning, rational adults who've been exposed to a lot of freedoms AND holding strong personal biases towards dominate women (and being submissive males) ...you'd think they could reject it more readily or casually. No, they take it very seriously and struggle with the implications.

I'm not saying other religious clients don't do this, I'm saying they do it akin to a fundamentalist, and most can't/don't really break away. Instead they try to compromise and that's certainly better than nothing. Faith evolves. Christianity today is, in most incarnations, a better religion than it was 500 years ago. Islam is also evolving, in my opinion. I know many don't share it...and religion, sex and politics are always tetchy subjects.

So their faith also ties them to their people, and they work for a better world. They don't do it openly, they can't. They simply hope, and believe that over time things will get better. They treat women with the respect they deserve, and lead by example. And they take what they can from their personal life.

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My Prayer Mat Brings All The Boys To The Yard

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Is this duality really so hard for any of us to understand? I can't be public about my work. If I were to be- in the United States - it's likely I'd never work in my profession again. I could face the loss of credentials, even censor.

My family would disown me, and would be deeply ashamed***. I disagree with their prudishness, but I like having family and I don't wish to hurt them. I'm also bisexual and were they aware of that, most would also never speak with me again. Just to clarify the depth of the prudishness there.

We all have secrets we keep, roles we play. It's just in some instances, the stakes are extremely high.

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My Pokemans, Let Me Show You Them

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Sorry this isn't a fluffy pink bunnies post. You probably won't see much fluff around these parts though.

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You're dying to know what this is, aren't you?

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I promise they won't all be such downers though.

-M

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* Physician heal thyself, right?

** if ever

*** I am not ashamed of my work. At all. I love what I do. Just to be clear. *grin*